i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
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Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
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Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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