I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
That accounts for only three of the penises
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
