Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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