I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
