Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
