You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
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