Welp...herpes.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
