Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
