Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
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