I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
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i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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