i think i have two assholes
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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