well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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