Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
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Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
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I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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