she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
