our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
NoShamevember. You game?
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Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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