Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
