I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
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Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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