I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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