I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
