Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
