why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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