Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
