shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I didn't notice because vodka
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
