You smell like stripper and shame
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
