The maid of honor just puked.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
