When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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