saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
