And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
