She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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