i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
