I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
