I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
