I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
