I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
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I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
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Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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