so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
