He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
