I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
