It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
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On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
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I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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