Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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