Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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