You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
