I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
