saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
