My first STD was from a foam party
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
