guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
