my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
