apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
