if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
