I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
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Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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