This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I FOUND THE LEGS
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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