my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
