Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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