I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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