I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
