youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
