Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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