I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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